College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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