Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
