im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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