Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
