A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i drank out of a bidet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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