I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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