you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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