I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
