i just had sex bonerless
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You've changed since you got that strap on
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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