"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
