I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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