Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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