My hand turned me down
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
