i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
