I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
