I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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