you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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