I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
