This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
