Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
