You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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