You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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