Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
and you fell through a lawn chair
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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