tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
