It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
