If that was your dad, he is hot
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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