Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
