I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
