apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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