I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
