Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
