my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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