I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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