its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
