Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize