I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
