I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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