I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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