maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
