why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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