well I can't set my house on fire every night
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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