my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
