So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
