I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
