We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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