nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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