Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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