My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
