I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
