Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
