You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
