Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
