At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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