She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
