i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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