You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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