just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Randomize
