So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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