I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
