someone owes me an orgasm
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my shit smells like andre
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
