We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So apparently I’m into choking now
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
