does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
